Thursday, August 25, 2016

Cheating... Can you ever really forgive and forget?

Cheating is one of the biggest problems that a couple will face, It does not happen in every relationship but it happens more often then it should. I can you tell you that I have never cheated on my husband or could I ever imagine putting him through such heartache, but I have cheated in the past, and I have been cheated on. 

The question is simple.... Can we really get over it?

That is a good question because once someone breaks your trust it is very hard to get it back. 

Let's think about trust for a minute and how fragile it really is. It is something that can take years to gain and seconds to lose. When you give someone your  trust you expect them to not break it, and the same goes for when someone else gives you their trust. 
Why is it so hard to trust someone?
I think that a lot of it comes as we grow up and the experiences we have. Let's take my cousin for example. A beautiful woman who got married young and had kids and loved her husband whole heartedly. He is a great guy and devoted to her and so she gave him all of her trust. You can imagine how devastated she was when she found out he had an affair with an old girlfriend. Her first reaction, like most of us, was to to leave him. If fact if I remember right she did. He felt horrible and knew he had made a mistake. Did he do this because he didn't love her? Did he do this because she had gained a little weight? Maybe it was because she was now in mommy role and didn't give him as much sex as he wanted. NO, it was none of those reason. He simply made a mistake. He was young and basically stupid and by doing this he almost lost his entire family. Now I know this guy and he loves my cousin more then anything. He adores her and desires her and never ever wanted to hurt her. My cousin decided that she was going to forgive him and try again. He did everything he could to make it up to her, but it took a long time before she could trust him again. In a conversation with her once about this she told me the hardest part for her wasn't forgiving him, but forgetting it happened. 
Once our trust is broken it's so hard to get it back because we become on edge and scared. We don't want to get hurt again and we don't want to look foolish. 

Most of the time when someone cheats it isn't because of something the other person did. For most people it takes a long time and a lot of thinking before they ever decide to actually cheat. Whenever someone is cheated on they always think, what did I do? Well honey here is me telling you that it probably isn't you. Most of time people cheat for selfish reason. Their spouses stop having sex with them as much as they like or they feel like they are not desired anymore. Maybe that person is making then feel like they are the hottest person in the world and they slip. The problem is by then it's too late and the damage is done. 

Now before you go sending me a bunch of hate mail, I am not condoning cheating or thinking that it is ok. I believe that when you take a vow to be with someone exclusively, whether it be in marriage or a serious relationship, you are promising them you will be faithful. My husband and I have both been cheated on and been the cheater in past relationships and know the feeling as well as what can lead you to cheat. We made an agreement once we decided to be serious that if things ever started to get to the point where we weren't happy or we were bored that we would talk about it so we can fix it. This has been working well for us and I believe that communication is the best way to go. 

In answer to the question can you really forgive? The answer is Yes you can. 
Sometime people make mistakes and just like anything else there will be consequences for their actions. The real question is can YOU do this? Only you know who you are and the kind of person that you are. If you are not easy to forgive someone and you hold grudges, well this will not be easy for you. If you are deciding that you are the type of person who can move forward and forgive then it going to take a lot of time and work on both of your parts. They need to understand that for a while they will have to be an open book to you. They can't hide anything. You will have to start trusting a little at a time. Sometimes going to a counselor can be helpful for both of you to get out everything you need in a safe place. However if one of you is dead set against it then it won't work. Be open and honest with each other and remember that it's ok to cry and be angry. However when your done crying and screaming, brush yourself off and start again and be positive because you are fabulous and life is short.

Now if you are the person who did the cheating and your lucky enough to have been given a second chance, then thank your lucky stars because this person you are with is amazing. You will need to realize that your messed up and will have to work very hard to earn that trust back. Also if your just planning to cheat again then your a dumbass who does not deserve this amazing person so suck it up and let them go. They deserve to be with someone who wants only them. 

When it's all said and done you will have to be the judge on what will happen in your relationship. If you can't forgive and you will just hold this over their head til the day they die, then let them go. Life is too short to waste it in a bad relationship. 

If you can forgive then I applaud you for being such a strong and amazing person. You may never completely forget, but you can survive and be happy again.

Lots of love
Kaylee Shadows

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