Tuesday, August 9, 2016

UHhhh it's my birthday.....Yay.. Or Nay?

Hello all.....

I come to you today with a huge struggle I am going through right now. It may sound dumb to some people and some people will think I am crazy but I am not looking forward to my birthday....

Growing up I always had great birthday party thrown by my grandma and my parents. They always made me feel so special and like most kids I looked forward to each birthday, and couldn't wait to get another year older. Also like most people there comes an age where you don't want to get older. You just want to stay where you are..

The first time I ever freaked out on a birthday was my 25th birthday. Yes I mean freaked out over dramatic I could slap myself now for it kind of thing. It was one of those moments in life where the little lightbulb went off, and you sit there wondering what you are doing with your life. I was only 25 and young and had two kids and a husband, and lived in a small town. I freaked out because I had no idea what I wanted to do in life. I made a list right then and there what I was going to do to better my life.  Since then I have also told myself to enjoy my birthdays because life is short and you never know how many you are going to get.

I have done really well with that over the years and I have made some major changes in my life. I stumbled along the way and even hit rock bottom, but pulled myself up and kept moving forward. I have enjoyed birthdays and even found the one time I can be selfish and not feel bad because hell it's my birthday...

Now my birthday is in a few days and we have lots planned to celebrate it which is fun and exciting and I am looking forward to it. However all I want to do is sit down and cry. Which I have even done a few times.

I once again am looking at my life and where I wanted to be by now and I am saddened by the fact that I am not there yet. I am trying to be positive and thankful for what I do have, but I feel like I am running out of time. Not like I am so old or anything but I am not where I thought I would be. I am back living in this small town I grew up in and where I don't want to be. I am not as far in my career as I thought I would be.  I am not making the kind of money I thought I would be by now and just lots of little things like that. I think my biggest worry is that 10 years from now I will still be feeling like this.

I know some of you may think I am just feeling sorry for myself or being lazy so I don't have what I want yet. That is not the case at all. I am mostly surprised that I am feeling this way. I honestly thought I had some other issue going on and then I realized that this was it. Now I am dealing with how do I get over this?
It really caught me off guard. Maybe the best thing to do is to have a good cry and then make a new list.

For any of you who have ever felt this way, you can rest assured that you my friend are not alone...

Lots of Love
Kaylee Shadows